Feeling grateful, Blessed and joyful. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1

Her name is Jessie. Her birthday is July 1st. This was my baby, before I had my genius progeny. She is cuddles personified. As she unconditionally loves me, I unconditionally love her. Jessie is one of the best things to walk into my life… On four legs. I ❤ you, Jessica aka Jessie aka Jess aka JFabulous. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #JFabulous #Efabulous1

Black History is American History. To deny that is to deny part of the richness of American and the greatest living example of humanity’s triumph over humanity’s ignorance. You will get that in a minute. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1

There are house warmings and then there are the “unveiling of HOME” and all that it represents. Today, I was Blessed enough to enjoy the grandiose unveiling of my friend’s home. Aesthetically, it was luxurious, wonderful and beautiful. Spiritually, it was abundant. The laughter, sisterhood, friendship of all that was present was indeed magnanimous. I feel very Blessed and quite fabulous to be a part of such an event. #MommyFab #Efabulous1 #Afab! #Home

Lord knows I am a good mother, so why…. why do I feel like I will never have enough to give to make my kid be able to dominate and be successful in the  real world.

It happens more often than not, I compare myself to other women’s situation. At 40, I know you should never do that.  YOU CANNOT WALK 2 FREAKING CENTIMETERS IN ANOTHER WOMAN’S SHOES.

So why, why do I do it?
Answer: I feel inadequate.
Why:  I was married. I had done all this cool stuff. I had what society told me was the perfect nuclear family. I had a beautiful baby.

I perfect hid my clinical depression, broken life and ultimately my broken heart.

Now what would I be able to give my daughter? Divorced mom, with just a bachelors and a long hyphenated-name.

Sometimes, I feel that I am not the best mom I can be … and I feel that my daughter will not be in the talented tenth and be able to compete.

Am I projecting?
Yes.
Hard.
Fast.
… and long.

I wasn’t supposed to make it.  The impoverished, scrawny African American girl from the bowels of the South Side of Chicago aka 79th Street.  I wasn’t supposed to want to travel the world, leave the country, have a fairy tale romance, a great education, a dynamic resume and life stories that would make you think I was a bootleg Kennedy. I guess I always knew I was special… and now that I’ve had this grand life, I want my daughter’s life to be this and more….

TENFOLD.

Yet, how can I give her the world, the oyster, the stars and moon and I have NO WEALTH. Income is not wealth. I have an income. I have no wealth.  …And as a single African American woman, I am on the bottom of the totem pole for wealth distribution.

YET, SHE CANNOT LOSE.
SHE JUST CANNOT BE AT THE BOTTOM, EVER.
EVER.

I WANT HER TO BE ON TOP ACADEMICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY.

I WANT HER TO WIN AT LIFE, BECAUSE A PART OF ME FEELS I LOST.

I won’t let my daughter have a mediocre life. I didn’t birth her from my loins for mediocrity. Regular people make the world go round and us Armour girls… well we freaking make the world spin around faster when you engage us.

I just want her to be the greater me that I could have been had my parents stayed together, had society not marginalized little Black girls into being either spiritually castrated by the Black church or demoralized in the white supremacist’s slave fantasy.  I want her to be the greater me had my mother stood by me during my teenage years with care and love, instead of emotionally abandoning me and reducing me a lone and lonely soul.

I just want her to be GREATER THAN ME.

Listen, I’m not a freaking ungrateful bastard of a woman. I know that I am so Blessed compared to how I grew up and how some people live now. You don’t think I know that… you’ve listened to me whinge and moan and now you want me to stop.

F*** you.
No.
Wanting excellence is not something that stops until it’s achieved.
Maybe that’s my problem.
I’ve let myself down.

Queue the Talking Heads song.

I guess this rant is a plea for help. A plea for sanity. A letter to myself to say, @Efabulous1 … you are no more worse or better than any other mother that wants the absolute best for their kid.  Perhaps these words are supposed to manifest themselves into a self hug, manifest themselves into being more self aware and less self critical.

God gave me this life, one life… and I just have to make damn sure I give her all the best with all I have all the time until I call her up on the phone, smiling and say…

Babe, I gave you everything I have… and mommy is still here standing always having your back.

… Now give me my sake and turn the radio up!

[Fin]

Happiness is paramount. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1

Died… Of laughter. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1

She is tired of helping me take down Christmas decorations. The nerve! #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1 #doglover #jessielesuperdog

Yeah. No. I quit. Giving up is a solution to any situation that doesn’t progress or show change. There is nothing you can do… When people don’t do for themselves. #Efabulous1

Time don’t go back, it goes forward. Every day I try to live and give love. I just try. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1

#MommyFab took her girl to the playground. It was today, I remembered how she was so small when I first took her to the playground. Her feet couldn’t touch the bottom of the rocking horses, she couldn’t climb the monkey bars… But now, she was this beautiful angel owning everything in sight. I remember sitting in the same spot and feeling Blessed. #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1 #2014

This is the mommy and baby “blueprint for a Princess bed”. One of the greatest joys of being a mommy is watching her imagination soar. This is a beautiful thing. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1 #2014

Dark Girls: the documentary

I processed so much from this documentary.  Not only was it well done,  it covered the pathology from colonization… Eloquently.  As a dark girl,  I never learned of colorism until I hit high school.  Colorism was tied into class is.  It was overwhelming.  Yet I had a great sense of self. 

… And that was a common theme… Sense of self.  Then it became apparent that this pathology of colorism continues  or terminates with our parents.

When you are loved,  when you are adored when your parents instill a giant sense of self,  you have an armour of your soul and such ignorance cannot penetrate that great love of self. 

The proliferation of self denigration won’t stop,  society,  institutionalize racism,  privilege,  ignorance and denial will keep the “color wheel” turning. 

However with great parenting and authentic love,  there will be a generation of women will not buy into the cancer of colorism.

Says @efabulous1

RIP Amri Baraka … You taught me that words, passion, thoughts and truth were the completeness of a writer. A real writer wrote fearlessly and a critic’s words of your art, never meant sh*t… You were to keep writing. Poetry is a release of the spirit. Rest In Peace. #Efabulous1 #TwoDopeMoms

Don’t discuss bullshit and petty things that annoy you, give it to God and clear room for better Blessings to reside in your heart, mind and body. #MommyFab #TwoDopeMoms #Efabulous1